Andrea Seastrand
Graduate Student Mom
Binghamton University

 

College Mom  Column:

What's a Mom to Do? Go to College!

by Andrea Seastrand

 

   
           Let's face it: These are not the heydays of parenting. As a culture we have become increasingly unsteady on our parental feet. We may think we know what's wrong with younger generations, but when it comes to dealing with the issues at hand, we shy away from the tactics of previous mothers and fathers. At some point the methods of our parents became suspect, to be replaced by a laissez-faire "freedom" to let our children become who they want to be, without guidance or correction. In this environment, what's a single mother to do? My answer: Go to college.
           It may seem like a counter productive solution since going to college means a mother will be away from her child, but the long-term effects are most important here. As a single mother and college student, the academic environment becomes something far more than just attending classes. Personally, if it hadn't been for the birth of my daughter, I doubt I would have gone back to school (I returned to a community college when she was one and I was twenty-two). Suddenly school became much more than the tedium I'd hated in high school. As a young mother, college study and good grades were testaments to my capabilities as a mother, an intelligent student, and an independent woman. I began to see that if I was going to be a positive role model, I had to go back to school and this time, be an adult about it. I've never regretted my choice.
           Being a single college mother is a hard win/win situation. Courses require work; good grades in these courses require better work. Doesn't motherhood demand the same resolve? College is serious business where, at the completion of a degree's requirements, a transcript weighs in as the final say-so. For a mother, the final report isn't written in ink, but in the growth of her child from infancy to childhood, adolescence to adulthood. There is no perfect 4.0 GPA to strive for. Parenting is not a graded exam, but will count heavily in the end.
           I'll be the first to say it's not easy. There are times when your two lives (for that is really what it will feel like at certain points) will collide in a messy, stressful heap. For me, after nine years of Being Mom and eight of Being Student, there are still tough decisions to be made and long, frustrating days ahead. A cut and dry handbook doesn't exist (yet) for single, college-going mothers, but there are a few things I've used to make my two lives coexist more peacefully.
   
   

Communication is key.

     
  ---------First and foremost, communicate with yourself! Realize when you are just plain beat and also, when you are on top of your game. Rest when you need to; congratulate yourself when you deserve it. (Keep in mind that, for single moms, even the smallest thing may be a huge triumph.) When he/she is capable of understanding what you need to get done, communicate with your child. Say that you are in school, just like him/her. Lastly, tell professors of your unconventional student status on the first day of classes.
   
   

Keep in touch.

    
   
  -----------Unfortunately, single mothers aren't among the wealthiest of the country's population. If you can't afford a cell phone, investigate donation programs. Some organizations provide phones for use in emergency situations while others offer a minimal, affordable plan. If you can afford the added expense, go ahead but skip the extras. This means remembering to cancel any option that is not free. (Cell phone companies "get you" by offering certain perks free of charge once you sign up for the contract. Buyer beware: after a month or so these perks expire and can add anywhere from $20 to $40 onto your monthly bill.) At the start of each semester, tell your professors that it is important for you to keep your phone turned on during class so that your child or his/her school can reach you. Remember to respect your professor and peers by silencing your phone's ringer and taking calls out of the classroom! (Nearly all phones have a vibrate option to tell you, discreetly, of an incoming call.) Keep your phone's battery charged.

-------------Lastly, remember that you have responsibilities beyond those of traditional students. If your child needs you while you're in class, leave, or make arrangements for someone to help until you can be home. Be responsible for the work you've missed. Regardless of whether or not you have a cell phone, provide your child's daycare center or school with your university department's telephone number. Your schedule is always accessible to department staff along with room numbers and class meeting times. If you're needed, a staff member can find you and deliver a message.
   
 

Forget the stigma of being a single mother.

 
 
   
  It means nothing. Don't listen to people who say what you're doing will be "too hard." There are times when it will feel like they are right, but semester breaks provide some rest and eventually, they draw to a close completely. Before you know it your degree requirements will be satisfied and your child will be clapping for you on graduation day. Push through and don't fret if some of your plates stop spinning. If one crashes to the floor, sweep the pieces up and get a new one. What's most important here is improving yourself so that you can continue to be a solid influence for your child.
   
   
   

Remember, you are only one person.

 
   
  Go easy on yourself. You are an ambitious woman, but don't let pride get in the way of even-headedness. Keep things simple. Rely on the kindness of trusted friends and family, and schedule your weeks (even, if need be, into the wee hours of the mornings) so as to maximize your study time. You are performing two leading roles here: one as Mom, one as student. It's a careful balance, but one that is not impossible even though professors expect a satisfactory performance and your child deserves one of Oscar-nomination caliber. At the end of each completed day, you deserve applause and standing ovations.
   
 

When asked, be an advocate

     
   
  Encourage other single mothers to go back to school. Acknowledge the challenges as well as the importance of being a student and offer assistance and understanding. The college enrollment process is a complicated maze of financial aid forms and registration procedures; your experienced help can mean the difference between a mother's discouraging college start and an enjoyable, exciting new identity.

  By Andrea Seastrand   February 16, 2007

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